


Teetering on the Edge

by JustSmileStuffHappens (ksz13)



Series: Buddie / 9-1-1 Prompt Fills [38]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Accidents, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Cutting, Dark, Depression, Drugs, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Medical Conditions, Medical Inaccuracies, Medication, Medicine, Mental Health Issues, References to Depression, References to Drugs, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Side Effects
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-04
Updated: 2020-05-04
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:47:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24005323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ksz13/pseuds/JustSmileStuffHappens
Summary: Prompt after the lawsuit Bobby gives Buck all the gross chores and he does them without complaint, hoping it’ll get him back to the team. Weeks go by and Buck gets sick but carries on, taking every harsh thing until he gets delirious and starts screaming for Chris. They rush him to the hospital and the team feels guilty. Buck pulls through but the light in his eyes is gone. When he comes to work there’s a welcome party but Buck tells them to donate everything to the homeless and closes himself off.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Bobby Nash, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Christopher Diaz & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley & Christopher Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley & Firehouse 118 Crew, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Henrietta "Hen" Wilson, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Howie "Chimney" Han, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Howie "Chimney" Han & Henrietta "Hen" Wilson, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Maddie Buckley, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Series: Buddie / 9-1-1 Prompt Fills [38]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1582147
Comments: 6
Kudos: 284





	Teetering on the Edge

**Author's Note:**

> This just kept growing and growing. 
> 
> It took time but it's a long one for me.
> 
> I don't know medical stuff but I tried an an sorry if that turns you off on the fic I understand skip it.

**_Teetering on the Edge_ **

Buck stood tall as he walked into the 118. This was his home. It was his place in the world. His people.

But then, why did it feel so hollow. Like he felt inside a lot of the time.

"Look out here comes the disaster magnet." Collins whispered too loudly to have put any effort into it.

"Hey Stevenson, how's your car coming. Fixing it up good?" Buck asked while turning to him.

"Yeah? It's been done for over a month." He said but sure how to continue their conversation.

Yeah. The world keeps going, whether Buck's ready or not. Isn't that the whole point of what he had to do. They replaced him. 

"Good. Hope she purrs nice" Buck nodded while continuing on.

'Why do you even bother?'

No. Buck didn't have time for that.

"Hey Buck, first day back." Chim said from the stairs. 

"Yep. And I'm ready to work." Buck said, coming over with his bag.

"Good. Then you can start with the trucks. Check the tires, tanks and gear, then polish them up Buck." Bobby said from atop the railing. 

'My house, my rules. My House. My Rules. MY HOUSE! MY RULES!' 

'Not yours. Go away. Not yours. Shut up. Not yours. You loser.'

"Yeah Cap. I'm on it." Buck replied back immediately.

He just needed to put up his bag. With his other work clothes and spare regular ones for after.

'Clothes you don't need. You're a waste of space. You don't belong here. You don't belong anywhere.'

The alarm called them away as Buck came out of the locker room.

He sighed. At least he would have to hear their comments, right?

He got the air gauges, the tools needed to tighten the lug nuts and the keys required for each individual compartment.

"Get to work Buckley"

'This won't work Buck'

* * *

He hadn't even seen Eddie that morning, or Hen. They were probably getting coffee upstairs together.

  
  


It was probably for the best. Buck dreaded how Eddie would be this time. If he could just see-

'You're exhausting!' 'Suck it up!'

The second fire engine was checked and prepped. After he finished this last bit he just needed to wash these then he could do the same for the other currently in use.

He went upstairs to get some water. It usually helped to clear his head.

It had been weeks since the tsunami. Buck crossed that rickety bridge each day fine. The rocky waters below called for him each time but he couldn't stop for them.

He drank some down as the others returned ready for lunch.

"Buck!"

"Yeah Cap." 

"You finished?" Bobby asked while standing before the trucks.

"No. I just need-"

"I can't give you all the time in the world Buck. Step it up."

"They're almost done, I-"

"Finish up. You still need to do the third." Bobby said.

"I know Bobby."

"Why's that lug nut loose?" Avery said pointing in its direction with their head.

"I tightened all of them." Buck said, at a loss for why it was on the floor.

"Get a move on Buck. We can't wait up for you all day." Bobby sighed.

'Too slow. Gotta go.'

"Yes sir."

The change from Bobby or Cap went unnoted as Buck tossed the barely open water bottle he only took one sip of to get back to work.

He watched closely as he tightened the lug nut then went on.

Eddie looked like he hadn't slept from what Buck saw of him following the others upstairs.

Buck quickly moved to the third and final truck. Making sure the gear and vehicle accurately worked was more important than appearances.

Buck switched over to washing them by the time he felt eyes on his back. "I miss a spot?" He asked.

"Yeah. But Cap said food's ready." Eddie said.

Buck's head snapped to him. 

"100% Buck. Hurry up so you can eat." Eddie said, retreating.

'Hurry up and leave already'

Buck scrubbed harder. He had to prove himself. He deserved this.

'Oh. You deserve this alright'

He was done with the second engine when Bobby called for him.

"Your food is getting cold."

"I'll eat it later. I'm almost done."

The alarm went off again. This time Buck didn't mind.

Did that make him a bad person?

'They'll leave. You know they will.'

Buck finished up the last truck as he went upstairs.

Bobby had made a meatloaf. It had visible ingredients from the list of foods he was supposed to avoid. Did Bobby forget or intentionally make it like that. Buck wasn't sure which would be worse.

Buck put the food in a container then placed it in the fridge. He threw away a small to go box that was crushed by something else before it could make a mess and started on the dishes.

Might as well be useful.

'It's no use. You're useless.'

With the dishes done Buck went to check on the supplies in the closet.

* * *

Bobby saw the engines as they entered the bay.

They were spotless. 

"Look good enough Cap?" Hen asked by the window.

"Yeah. How they should be."

They all exit to see the same lug nut on the floor again.

Bobby shook his head, grabbing the wrench and fixing it himself. Other than that it was a good job.

"Buck!"

"Yeah Cap?" Buck came out of the supply closet with a clipboard.

"Good, you're already doing it." Bobby said, turning to go upstairs and wash dishes before his paperwork.

He immediately kept going after seeing the sink was clear. 

"He must have done it after he ate." Bobby said, going to his office.

Hen opened the fridge. The cupcake she'd hidden for Buck that morning was gone. 

"I guess he ate it," she said, going to join Chim in the bunks for a nap.

They didn't see as Avery noticed the lug nut on the floor again. 

They came over to check it. The thing was stripped. They looked for another to replace it and finished up Buck's work since he was busy. 

They passed out in the bunk room reminding themselves to tell Cap about it later. That wasn't on Buck.

* * *

This went on for over a month. There were little hiccups but Buck kept going. He wanted back and he was back just not how he wanted **_._ **

**_Come in alone, be quiet._ **

**Clean the place up.**

**Check all the equipment**.

**Read and practice procedures**.

**Stay while they leave him behind.**

**_Go home alone, try not to cry_ **.

It was a routine. A list. And Buck filled each box with a checkmark. At least he tried to. It wasn't easy but he pushed through it. 

* * *

Buck knew if Maddie found out about how he'd been, she'd freak. 

He was trying but it was hard. Either he got enough sleep or he actually felt like eating. 

It was a tradeoff he hated making but a necessary thing right now. At least until he was fully back.

He didn't mean to stay up fighting the voice of doubt in his head.

He didn't mean to forget to eat all day or skip meals here and there.

Working out was getting harder with less energy on two fronts.

He had some good days but they were scarcely in-between.

"Buck." Cap caught Buck's attention from his current task.

"Yeah Cap." Buck wiped his brow. He was working up a sweat.

"I've got a job for you" Bobby said, pulling Buck from mopping the floor after doing all the windows.

The place looked better then it had in years and it was all because of Buck. But no one said anything.

"What is it Cap?" Buck asked, ready to do it. Just a little longer. Things wouldn't be like this forever right? 

'How long can they put up with you? He wants you to quit idiot.'

"Can you clean the vents? Some of the others have been complaining and allergens have been high these last few weeks. Maintenance won't be in for a few days. Have you got it?" Bobby asked, looking at Buck.

"Yes sir. I'll get on it once I'm done." Buck nodded.

With that Bobby left him to it while he saw Chim and Hen stocking up the ambulance. 

"Bobby-"

"Yeah Hen"

The alarm pulled them into their vehicles. 

Hen didn't forget what she was going to point out but they needed to get to the protest and help the injured while putting out a fire. 

If she could have finished she would have asked Bobby why he was passing off jobs to Buck that the maintenance crew could do. At least the tougher ones that required a lot of work and multiple hands.

Buck took a steadying breath before putting up the mop. He had to get their tallest ladder out.

It was usually a two man job but no one else was in the firehouse. And he wasn't going to refuse with an excuse. He couldn't risk it.

Buck set it up leveled and made sure it was fixed to stay open while he was up scrubbing the vent clean.

He started his ascent with his stomach growling. Why did he have to have a nightmare and forget to eat before coming in today.

"Just get up, get it done, and move to the next one." Buck said.

'Just give up. You're done. They'll move on too.'

Buck's eyes itched as he finished the first. One down two to go.

He readjusted the ladder and got to the next. Man it was hot up there.

Buck finally climbed it again one last time. The last vent was actually higher than the others.

Even with his natural height Buck had to reach for it. He managed.

He avoided looking down. 

Buck began his descent as some stray dust hit his face.

He sneezed and shook the ladder. In his haste of rubbing his eyes Buck hadn't made sure it was locked on both sides before going up again.

He was suddenly falling from half its full height onto his back. He was so startled he only had a second to see the ladder falling on his wrist.

His scream filled the firehouse. No one heard it. Not even him.

Buck lifted the ladder with his good hand. Fuck! "No!" No no no. 

He ran over to ice it. It couldn't be. Not another injury. God damn it. 

His blood thinners. Shit! They were going to make it worse. 

Just then he already started noticing the bruise forming. 

He couldn't hide it. Not without lowering his rolled up sleeves or wearing gloves. Hell even with both that was a longshot. No one else questioned Eddie but they'd surely ask Buck why he did though. 

It didn't hurt but that didn't mean it wasn't bad. Buck knew that.

His head was foggy. 

Buck needed an excuse.

He pulled on the rubber gloves he'd used before and started cleaning the outer glass of the locker room.

Buck managed to stop hissing after a few strokes with the sponge. 

The others came back. 

"Isn't it time you took a break Buck? Don't overwork yourself." Eddie said coming off the truck. 

Was this a test? 

'He's like the rest. They don't want you here. Why would they? You're exhausting!'

"No. I'm good. Gotta get this done before the shifts over." Buck didn't have much of a chance to talk as Eddie was pulled over to debrief.

Hen looked on with Chim from the ambulance.

"What's up?" He asked.

"Just glad he's okay. I had a bad feeling earlier but, I guess I was wrong." Hen shook her head. 

Suddenly Chim was rushing over there to- "Buck!"

In a flurry of limbs she was joining. 

She distantly heard as the others came to look over the banister or rush down the stairs to see.

Chim had Buck's wrist in his hand. "Checking for his p- what the fuck?"

Hen's eyes zeroed on in the bruise that was hidden under the rolled up glove.

"He's flushed. Pulse is strong but too fast." Chim said.

"Fever?" She ran to get a thermometer. He was burning up.

"Was he like this in the morning?" Chim asked while checking his other wrist.

Hen noticed the lines were straight and thick. "The ladder." Fuck.

"What's going on?" Eddie asked while skidding besides them.

"He passed out. Definitely fever. Possibly exhaustion. And he's got either a fractured wrist or one hell of a sprain." Hen said.

"Hen, get the stretcher. Eddie help me lift him." Chim took charge.

As they were lifting Buck up Eddie faltered hissing in pain. 

"Eddie, what the fuck man? Did you get hit in the riot?" Chim asked, noticing now he was favoring his other side.

Eddie bit his lip to hold back a groan as they lifted him onto the stretcher and got him positioned.

"Chim, what happened to Buck?" Bobby asked while the others looked on.

"I'll explain in a second. Check Eddie over now that Buck's on the stretcher." Chim said while looking at Eddie.

It no doubt pained Eddie to sit this one out but he was in no position to help right now. Chim hadn't even seen Eddie get into any altercation with a protester. The cops were backing their work as a buffer.

"We've got him. Fever and probably exhaustion Cap, also possible broken wrist." Chim rattled off again as Buck stirred a little.

"No! I'm not exhausting! I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt Chris. Where's Chris?" Buck spat out.

His eyes were looking everywhere but saw nothing.

"Whoa, whoa, Buckaroo. Easy." Hen said gently pushing him to lay back down.

"I'm not done yet. I can still work. I can't leave. Please!" Buck slurred.

Things took a turn for the worst when he started seizing.

All eight arms moved to keep him steady on the stretcher and prevent him either falling or hitting his head and wrist while not strapped in yet.

With the seizure passing Hen and Chim quickly did up Buck's chest and legs to secure him before loading him in.

Eddie and Bobby looked on, both stunned as Buck's words haunted them until they started moving.

"Eddie-" Bobby started.

"You can check me at the hospital." Eddie shot back harshly.

"Hurry up and get in before I decide to reprimand you for that tone." Bobby could only deal with one problem at a time. 

And it looked like Buck was in the most danger now. But Eddie wasn't getting out of explaining things.

  
  


* * *

After getting an iv into Buck, it was Buck, not just any patient, but Buck. Both Hen and Chim kept it professional. The patient needed them at their best, and he'd get it. With the iv in he didn't look as pale. 

Buck had another seizure just before they got him to the hand off. This one was left erratic possibly from the iv fluid both replenishing some of his strength and cooling him down from the inside out.

"Patient is firefighter Evan Buckley. Fractured wrist and severe fever, loss of consciousness, bp-"

They were technically okay to be off since the next team was already there for a shift change so Hen and Chim fixed up the ambo and came in after securing it. 

"I'll notify them that we're off and we'll return the ambo later." Chim said, noticing Hen's eyes never leaving the doors as they moved.

"I should have said something." Hen said. 

"I wasn't that better. He was looking good already. Buck's gonna be ok."

"No. I literally was going to tell Bobby about Buck cleaning the vents. It's a two person job, he was alone."

"He did what? That's what broke his wrist?" Chim asked.

"It has to be. But maintenance does that. He knows that, I know that."

"Did Buck know that?" Chim asked.

"I don't know. I'm not sure if it even would have mattered. Did you hear what he said?" Hen asked.

"Yeah. He was delirious though."

"We can't hold it against him, yeah. But a part of it was from his head." Hen frowned deep in thought.

* * *

Bobby and Eddie took off from the station in Bobby's SUV. 

Eddie was silent the entire drive as Bobby ensured the others at the station knew what he was doing and to inform the next shift since he couldn't get a hold of the next shift captain at the moment. 

They already had to be in the firehouse probably being told what happened.

"He's going to be okay" 

Bobby didn't know who he was reassuring, Eddie or himself.

"You don't know that Bobby" 

That was all Eddie said the rest of the drive to the hospital.

They pulled into the parking lot and Eddie was already climbing out regretting his actions as he pushed himself to continue on.

"Alright, we need to stop."

"It's a little late for that. Isn't it?!" Eddie shot back. 

"How were you injured?" Bobby asked.

"I'm not, I just pulled something at the riot." Eddie said, continuing walking.

"Then lift your shirt."

"Do I gotta file a complaint Cap?" Eddie asked. 

At Bobby grabbing Eddie's arm on reflex he was rearing with a fist. 

Bobby's straight face startled him.

"What's going on Eddie? I'm going in there for Buck, the same as you, if going in there isn't a good idea for you I need to know it now." Bobby said sternly.

"You wouldn't understand."

"You'd be surprised." Bobby said.

"Buck needs us." Eddie urged.

"And we can't be there if there's something else in the way. Lift, your shirt." Bobby ordered.

Eddie huffed in annoyance. There was no avoiding it now.

"Now, or you'll regret it next shift."

"Like you made Buck regret coming back?" Eddie asked.

"No. I- damn it Eddie. If you're not okay you'll have a harder time helping others? I learned that the hard way, take my advice." 

"You didn't deny it." Eddie looked into Bobby's eyes.

He lifted his shirt.

Bobby's mouth opened wordlessly at seeing bruises the perfect size of fists.

Eddie quickly lowered his shirt to make sure no one else saw.

"Who did this?"

"Me."

"Don't lie."

"I'm not. I asked for it, wanted it, I needed it. It's complicated."

"We're talking about this later. But for now, Buck." Bobby said. 

"Glad we're in agreement Cap." Eddie nodded walking on.

Bobby made a mental note to try remembering anything else odd with Eddie earlier too. There had to be other signs he missed. Was he too focused on Buck to see them?

* * *

They walked in to see Hen and Chim on their phones.

Chim likely with Maddie as Hen checked in with Karen.

"Any news?" Eddie asked.

"CT confirmed fracture. His temp's down but they're getting him on meds that won't have an adverse reaction to his blood thinners though." Chim explained.

"Oh thank God." Bobby sighed.

"Thank God Buck's okay or that you didn't kill him?" Hen asked.

"What are you-?" Bobby said taken aback by her words.

"He shouldn't have been up there Bobby. Sure He probably fell because of the fever but we didn't notice. No one was there. It could have been a lot worse and it didn't need to be that way." Hen said.

"I- was keeping him safe. The firehouse-"

"Would have been safe. If you followed procedure instead of just pushing every damn chore on him. The place looks better than any of us have seen it in years. And it's all because of Buck. Fitzgerald's alive because Buck double checked and put a spare tank on the rig the day before that needed a valve change. He wasn't on the truck but he still managed to help out anyways"

"The blood thinners-" Bobby started only for Hen to continue.

"Are temporary. He won't be on them permanently, all his doctors agreed on that. And you can't say that he hasn't proven himself. He was bleeding out to find Christopher for hours and still kept going. He passed his recertification Bobby, he beat his own record, but the one thing he couldn't get past was your feelings, you gotta admit it."

"I- uh. I looked it up." Chim said as the others turned to him. "He's definitely covered under the A.D.A. Bobby. That's why the suit would have gone in his favor. It did. He won because he had justification. Buck just chose not to take the settlement, he didn't want it. And you're lucky because if he had you'd have definitely lost your job," Chim swallowed and looked away. 

"I get that you two didn't like Buck's lawyer airing all our dirty laundry but that's what they do. If Buck didn't tell Chase he'd have dug and it wasn't buried too deep or impossible to find. If we were in his shoes, if Chim's accident was different, would you have reacted the same way, because I think not. Chase did that for Buck, for the money too, but also for Buck," Hen said looking at both of them. 

Neither Eddie or Bobby replied.

"Family of an Evan Buckley?" A doctor asked coming over.

"Yeah. Yes. We're his coworkers but, I'm listed under his emergency contact." Bobby said.

"Not unless you're a Madeline Kendall by chance." The doctor said, looking at Buck's chart. 

The realization hit Bobby hard. Of course Buck had changed it.

"We are his coworkers. Just tell us if he's okay, please? His sisters on her way." Chim informed them.

"We got the splint on." The doctor said. "After we sedated him. He wouldn't stop trying to get up. If one of you can convince him to stop then I'd appreciate it because I don't like the chance of the sedatives interacting with his other medications and any restraints would irritate his injuries."

"Injures? It was only his wrist." Eddie asked, confused for them all.

"He's got bruising from a fall also. Upper back, elbows, buttocks, and the back of his head. They're not as bad but he needs time to recover. You probably didn't see them because of his clothing." They said.

"I- I can try talking to him. Calm him down. I've managed it before." Chim volunteered earnestly.

The doctor looked to be weighing the options before replying. 

"If you disturb him more than you help us then you're out sir."

"I totally understand. I won't." 

* * *

"Maddie" Chim greeted as she was guided in. 

"Is he okay? You said it was just his wrist. Why's he in a bed "

"No. I said they were working on his wrist then, he also had a fever and now we know he's bruised like a tomato." Chim corrected. 

"How'd that happen?" Maddie asked. 

"We think he fell off a ladder but no one saw and he tried to hide it. Then he passed out."

"Excuse me. Ms. Kendall?" The doctor cleared their throat.

"Yeah."

"Did you know your brother hasn't been taking the antidepressants listed on his file?" They asked.

"What? I didn't- I didn't know he was on any?" Maddie gasped.

"His file lists him as being on them for two years. His blood work shows if he has been taking them it's infrequently enough that they are hardly in his system." 

"But, could he have stopped because of the blood thinners? I saw an article of things to avoid." Chim said.

"It's a possibility but his therapist should have noticed or suggested an alternative for the pharmacy." 

"He, I tried getting him to eat more and he's been having trouble sleeping, I noticed. That could have been a sign, I just didn't know." Maddie sat down.

"Well, from what levels we see he hasn't cut them completely but the blood thinners could have lessened their effects and vice versa." 

"Buck" Chim came over to stand beside him and Maddie offering her any and all of the support he could give.

* * *

"What happened to you earlier?" Hen asked looking at Eddie. 

If she couldn't be in there with Buck then she could focus on enigma number two of the batch.

"I pulled a muscle working?" Eddie said quickly.

"And you expect me to believe that? You two always work out. Even if it hasn't been together recently," She raised her eyebrow.

"It's personal. Let's focus on Buck now." Eddie gritted his teeth.

"Like you did in the grocery store?"

"I- things went a little too far." Eddie backed up.

"Did you get into a fight because you couldn't fight Buck?" Bobby asked. Pieces fitting together.

"No!"

"What fight?" Hen asked.

"Eddie has bruises that say a fight but won't say with who." Bobby said.

"You wanted to hit Buck that bad? Jesus, Eddie. What the fuck?" 

"No. I wanted to hit myself." Eddie's outburst drew some eyes from others in the waiting room. "For other reasons."

"You're going to a councilor Eddie," Bobby said, pulling out a card.

"Whatever. Fine. Just let me see him."

"That's not up to us." Hen said. "Bobby, see. When it's with any of us you can think rationally, but with Buck you can't. I see it, Athena tells me she sees it. But if you respect our decision to do our jobs then why not Buck's own, just the same." Hen asked.

Bobby had to admit, she was right like Hen usually was. 

"I was a little over protective of him."

"Which I'm sure he'll get later, but he didn't need you to keep him from what he loves when he could have done the job with us. We're here as a team, right? Then you gotta trust him as much as he trusts you." 

And wasn't that the damn truth.

"Hen," Chim said, coming over. "Buck's up, you can go in."

Chim swapped with her as the others waited.

She came into his room.

"Buck, you had us worried there. How are you feeling?"

"Like I punched a wall, but the meds are helping."

"Buck. The doctor's gone but be honest. Did you intentionally stop taking your antidepressants?" Maddie asked.

"No. I'm not lying. I swear. I've just been forgetting here and there and I prefer them with food since it's too much for a light breakfast with the blood thinners too. I've been taking them, I know I'm not supposed to stop completely without letting them know. But the doctor did say to get back with them about changing my prescription. I just got busy and on days I remembered it was too early or late to make an appointment with them." Buck sighed. 

"The good news is now that we know we can help remind you, and I know there are a few combinations that they'll find without as many side effects. But Buck why were you gonna hide your injury?" Hen asked.

"I didn't want you guys to have another reason to send me away. I don't think I could take it this time. It was hard enough the first go around. I fought to get back but I don't really know what I was fighting for now. No one really welcomed me back Hen. I'll just be replaced, I'm not special, i know that" 

"Buck" Maddie interrupted. "You're entirely you. No one else is as persistent or kind as you. There's no replacing that." 

"You're an amazing firefighter Buck, there's no doubt in that. But you're also good with people, that's something not everyone has or can learn. That's true out of the uniform too, we've all seen it." Hen said.

"It's just- it's hard believing it. When I'm helping people I can just focus on doing, I don't second guess myself when I'm on duty." Buck said.

"And did you not eat the cupcake then?" Hen asked.

"What cupcake?" Both of the Buckley's asked.

"Your welcome back one from me? I put it in the fridge but it was gone. You didn't eat it?" She asked.

"No. Is that what got crushed by something in a to go box? I threw it away before it could make a mess"

"Well now I know I owe you another cake." Hen smiled.

"No, you don't have to."

"But I want to and I'm gonna. Now that that's cleared up, about what you said in the firehouse."

Buck swallowed.

"What did I say? I wasn't all there." 

"You were talking about still being able to finish your job. And you mentioned being sorry about Chris. The others were right there helping us keep you from hitting your head or worse, banging your wrist, before we could at least wrap it."

Buck hid his face in his hands "Shit."

"Bobby and Eddie are in the waiting room but you don't have to see them if you're not ready. I can lie and say Maddie's watching you after they put you under again."

"No. I- I gotta ask Eddie something. Can you send him in before Cap?"

"Can do. But, don't push yourself too much Buck, we're here when you feel better and we need you at 100% if we can convince Bobby to get you on calls again." Hen said.

"You'd do that?"

"We're already trying. I know Chim feels the same, we've talked about it before." Hen came over to hug him. 

"Thanks Hen."

"It's what you'd do." She said.

* * *

Hen came back with a serious face.

"He wants to see you. He said Bobby's last."

Eddie started walking over as Hen sat down.

Eddie stood at the doorway for a second. Seeing Buck like that was hard. He could have prevented that. He was supposed to have Buck's back and he didn't. Buck had been there more times than not and Eddie had only seen his absence instead of what he'd done before.

"I'll be right outside. Call for me or Chim, I need something to drink after my shift." Maddie kissed Buck's forehead.

Eddie walked past the door but stood there.

"I'm not contagious." Buck said.

That got a tired laugh from Eddie.

"But who says I'm not?" Eddie asked.

"You're not the one in the hospital with an infection so-. What's been- i know we weren't talking because of what happened but- I still noticed things. It's too hot to constantly wear long sleeves. And you look more tired than I feel now some days. Eddie-"

"If I tell you, you have to not freak out." Eddie said, coming closer.

"Have you been- I- I had an ex that hurt themselves. I tried to get them to stop but they still did it, just not as much. I- they at least knew it was dangerous and asked for help finding a therapist for that after we broke up." Buck said.

"It's kinda like that but it's not. I don't cut myself Buck but- Bobby knows now so you don't have to worry as much. I'm not planning on doing it again, now that I know it was stupid. It was a distraction and a shitty one that didn't work,"

"I hear that. You're not the only one that made a choice they regretted,"

"I'm sorry Buck. I was really wrong before. I took out my anger on you"

"I was trying to apologize in the groc-"

"You're not exhausting. You're persistent. You don't quit and that can be annoying for people on the other end but it's a hell of a good thing for you and the people you care about. And that's a lot of people because you aren't selfish Buck, you're selfless."

'Selfless. He's not wrong. You're n-'

Buck did his best to tune in to Eddie and out of his doubt filled thoughts. He couldn't tell if he was trying harder or actually had energy now.

"I was so used to you being there that when you weren't I didn't know what to do. But that's unfair to you. It wasn't your fault you were so down about missing work and you didn't want the lawsuit to end up how it did. Sometimes we don't see the consequences of our choices until after things are set in motion." Eddie said looking up from where he stood beside Buck.

"I- I kinda deserved it though."

"No you didn't. We were in the wrong Buck. Having you back was what we'd wanted for so long and then we ruined it, for everyone."

"Thanks Eddie."

"You don't have to thank me. It's what you deserve. I should have tried harder to see your side."

"I should have thought about you and Chris, I didn't mean to hurt you two. I would never want to do that." Buck fought back tears.

"I- I know. I think that's why it hurt." Eddie bit his lip.

"Hey Eddie" Buck said 

"Yeah Buck?" Eddie answered.

"I got a favor to ask you."

"Anything, you name it."

"I really gotta piss." Buck squinted.

Eddie saw Buck smile in apology. 

"Let's get you up then." Eddie laughed.

Eddie withheld his groan. He could put up with the pain of his own mistakes to help Buck. Buck had helped them all, countless times.

"Just get me close to the restroom, I can do the rest."

"I wasn't gonna hold your dick for you Buck,"

"I wasn't gonna ask you to. That's an honor you don't get yet."

At that Eddie paused in his steps.

"You know. Uh- in the event something similar happens. I break both my arms and- or- just hurry up. All these fluids they put in me are running their course. The doctor didn't give me a damn bed pan."

Buck continued complaining as Eddie stood outside of the door.

It was an experience he never saw coming but believed entirely. They're was little he couldn't see himself doing for Buck. He was one of a kind and a part of their lives.

They came back to the room with Maddie and the doctor asking where they'd been.

"I had to pee. You know, iv fluids. He wasn't gonna spring me, I'm not dumb. Plus Eddie didn't drive here." Buck said with a half shrug.

'I'm dumb for-'

"How did you know that?" Eddie asked, looking surprised.

"We didn't think you were. We were just surprised, that's all. Now lay back down." Maddie took Buck's other side and steered them over.

Eddie still had more making up to do for Buck. He knew that.

  
  


* * *

Maddie spoke as the doctor finished looking at Buck.

"I'm just saying, you didn't have to talk to Eddie or Bobby. If they didn't give you a warm welcome then you can return the favor. Make them wait." She said arms crossed.

"I get that. But making them wait would mean making me wait too. And if I don't talk to him now, then I'm gonna lose what courage I have to say how I feel about all this." Buck looked at her.

In his eyes Maddie saw determination. It was a trait she loved about her brother so much. She'd seen it when he'd gone with Athena to track her down.

"Okay. But I'll be out in the waiting room with Chim if you need us." Maddie patted his arm. "I love you."

"I love you too sis."

Maddie left to tell Bobby about Buck wanting to talk to him. 

Buck took a breath. He had to tell Bobby what he'd started to try telling them in the grocery store before things went so wrong. 

"Buck?" Bobby stood at the door.

He waited for Buck to acknowledge him or give permission to enter.

"Yeah, Bobby." Buck nodded. 

Bobby stopped a few steps from the bed.

"I messed up kid." 

"You're not the only one, but yeah." Buck sighed.

"I shouldn't have pushed back so hard in the first place. It was unprofessional and illegal, I see that now. You're like a son to me Buck. And the thought of you getting hurt because you weren't ready terrified me. But you're your own person, and I can only support you however I can as your captain and a friend. You proved it in the test course and your physician already cleared you." 

"Bobby."

"You shouldn't have gotten hurt in our house, it's your home. My pride led me to try punishing you for something you didn't do, on a decision that was your last resort. I take full responsibility for that and I have to live with the knowledge I caused this, you were scared that I'd see the injury as an excuse to get you out and tried hiding it Buck." Bobby choked up at the last words. "I could have easily been the cause of your death today. When I had it in my mind that I was keeping you away from danger. You belong in the field putting your skills to use-"

"You mean it?" Buck gasped.

"Under guidance and with us backing you up. Even if I get suspended for a bit. You're getting back on duty Buck. But the first sign of trouble you tell one of us and we cross that road when we get there, together." Bobby frowned. "That is, as long as you still want back here."

"I didn't fight to get back with the 006 or the 136. The 118 is where I belong, with the team I trust with my life, who's backs I'll always have." Buck stared into Bobby's eyes and nodded.

"Good. It'll always be your home. I've gotta make some calls. Once you're better you're back on the truck so be prepared."

"I always am Cap," Buck said.

"I- I don't even know if I should be allowed to ask this. Can I hug you?"

"I'd be offended if you didn't." Buck tried to keep from crying.

Buck hugged Bobby back as hard as he could. 

"Alright. I'll go. I'm betting Maddie has some words for me too." 

Bobby got up and went for the door taking another glance before leaving. 

  
  


* * *

Buck spent a week with the splint. It was a little long but with more visits from Maddie and Chim he wasn't as lonely as he'd been feeling.

In that time Bobby was given a strike and suspended for a week also. It was oddly lining up.

During his time off Buck was taking care of himself and able to finally check in with both his doctor and therapist.

His medications wouldn't interfere with each other and Buck had an easier time keeping track.

"Buck I could have mopped." Maddie said.

"I've got one good hand. This one's almost back to normal. You already dusted and did the dishes Mads. Thanks but it's my place." Buck reminded her.

"Okay. I'll just be reading a magazine while you finish before we get dinner."

"It's date night."

"So-"

"Go date your boyfriend. I'll be okay, I'll see you tomorrow." Buck said.

"Now I feel like you're kicking me out." She smirked.

"It's for your own good. Go drink some wine for me. And tell Chim I said Hi too" Buck waved. 

His wrist didn't hurt thankfully.

Mopping took a little longer but Buck did it. He backed up into the stairs and planned on checking his phone while waiting for it to dry.

The sound of his door opening caught him by surprise.

"Ed-!"

"Shit!"

He heard as Eddie must have slipped on the wet tile. 

"Sorry Eddie! It's wet."

"I noticed! I'm good!" Eddie groaned.

Buck hissed in sympathy.

"I got your mail. I wanted to see if you were up for food. Christopher's with Pepa tonight since his cousins in town." Eddie said, then carefully walked up and placed the mail on Buck's table.

"I could eat."

"Alright. Want to drive there or order in? We could watch a movie or grab a beer-"

"Beer. You know, you never notice how much you like something till you can't have it. But I've got some non-alcoholic in the fridge. Order whatever, you know what I like. I'll find us something to watch."

"I know how that feels. Missing something that is. But you make me happy in a different way." Eddie said softly.

"What?" Buck asked.

"You're better than beer." Eddie said, starting the call to order their food and ending their conversation without confirming what Buck may or may not have heard.

He came over to see Buck sprawling on his couch.

He lifted Buck's feet and placed them over his lap.

"So I've narrowed it down to two things. You want good cop bad cop action or a doctor scientist murder mystery?" Buck asked as he tipped his beer to Eddie's own on the coffee table.

Buck had a few left from before the blood thinners as well as a few Eddie had brought a while back.

"Anything Sci Fi? Kinda want to not think for a while." Eddie asked.

"Say no more." Buck gestured.

Buck switched over to that section and picked one he'd held off watching for a while but heard good things of. 

It was horrible, but in a good way. For being shot on what was probably a small budget it was an interesting concept. 

They laughed at the acting and medical terms being off. 

With the food gone it was time for Eddie to leave. 

"You're good to drive?" Buck asked.

"Yeah. I drank some water. It was only one beer Buck." 

"Alright. Be careful on your way home."

Eddie saluted Buck. "Yes sir"

"I don't know if that means you're more drunk than I thought? You've never done that before." Buck squinted at him. 

"I'm good. I promise. I'll walk the line on your tile. Look" Eddie recited the alphabet backwards while alternating touching his nose and walking straight forward. 

"Okay. Okay. I'm just looking out for you. Hangovers and DUI's suck." 

"Buck," Eddie said with the door open.

"What is it Eddie?"

"It's gonna be good to have you back fully. I missed it, us. I'll see you at work."

"I- yeah. I've got your back. See you then. Night Eddie." 

"Good night."

Buck closed the door after seeing Eddie reach the end of the hall.

* * *

Buck's first day back after the accident was a whirlwind. 

They barely got settled in when they got a house fire call. One neighbor set their own house on fire after trying to burn their neighbors house. It was a mess.

The police handled the rest once they got it under control. Thankfully everyone was already out.

They got back to Dylan hissing "Yikes! Sorry Hen." As he was hanging up a messed up banner with Welcome Back Buck written in obvious haste.

"This was supposed to be a surprise and we didn't get enough time." Hen said. 

The alarm went off again as they rushed to a car trapped in a sinkhole.

They made it back to the food they had catered being cold as and just as they were about to start serving it the alarm came back on.

Buck was laughing in the truck as they took off to a pile up with only a few drivers. 

"You okay Buck?" Chim asked.

"Sorry Buckaroo, I know," Hen said. 

They thought he was crying. 

"Are you laughing?" Eddie asked, noting Buck's shoulders since his helmet obscured his face. 

"No. I'm good guys. Yeah, I'm laughing. This is what I missed. I don't need a party. Helping people, with you all, that's it." Buck said into his radio.

"Alright. Let's check on the two drivers. One of the lost cars hit another person's while the eighteen wheeler driver had a flat and is thought to be unconscious." Bobby explained as they pulled up. 

Hen and Chim pulled the ambulance up to the guys rig while Buck and Eddie took the equipment they needed to help get the woman out.

Buck got the door open and let Eddie carry her while he made sure it didn't swing back on them both.

"You're gonna be okay ma'am."

Buck and Eddie returned as the police took the woman's statement and let her call a ride.

"Buck!" Eddie shouted looking at the blood on Buck's sleeve.

Buck looked down.

"What?"

Hen and Chim looked over along with Bobby. 

Buck pulled up his shirt to show his arm was fine.

"Eddie." He looked to see that it was from where they'd brushed against one another walking back.

With the med kit in the firetruck Bobby and Buck got Eddie bandaged while Hen and Chim loaded the other guy for transport.

"What cut you?" Buck asked.

"I don't know. I didn't even feel it until I saw it. I guess the car door maybe, that's all it could have been"

Bobby went back to the station.

They had to refuel on the way back. 

They got back just before the ambulance with Hen and Chim.

After the back to back calls they were all beat.

"Thanks Hen. But I could use a nap." Buck said, hugging her.

"I think we all could. Your arm okay Eddie?" Bobby asked.

"I'm good. But I won't fight a second to breathe this morning."

"Actually it's noon." Dylan said looking at his watch.

"Thank you Dylan. Rest up everyone." Bobby said. 

Hen and Chim were already in the bunk room.

Eddie sat on the couch with Buck. 

"It's good to have you back Buck"

Buck opened his eyes a bit and turned to Eddie.

"What did you say? I didn't hear you."

"It's good to have you back." Eddie faked annoyance before giving up and laughing with a smile.

"It's good to be back. I'll take being tired after a job well done over sitting around doing nothing any day." 

"What are you gonna do about the food? That's way too much for all of us to take home. I don't know how Hen ordered it all." Eddie said.

"I don't know. I might take some but I'm only one guy. If no one else here wants it I'm sure we could package it, give it a shelter or something. We didn't open a few of the containers yet." Buck threw his head back. 

He'd just gotten comfortable when the bell sounded.

"They sure are keeping us busy." Eddie said getting up.

"Come on Eddie." Buck was already up and ahead of him. "Let's go help save some people" Buck doubled his steps as the others joined.

* * *

After their shift Buck was worn out worse than an old shoe.

He lifted his shirt with effort to change. 

"Buck" 

"Yeah Eddie?"

"Chris asked about you yesterday. Did you want to come over or I can tell him we'll see you tomorrow?"

At the name Buck perked up.

"Nah. I've been missing him too. In fact. I think I've got some cake to share with him." Buck grinned.

"Giving my kids sweets and watching me try to keep up with him is akin to torture." Eddie said. 

"Good thing you're not gonna be alone then. Live a little Eddie. I'll probably crash at yours anyways. I'll be too tired to go home." 

"Alright. Just don't complain about the couch hurting your back. They're not made for guys your height." Eddie joked.

"I'm barely two inches taller than you."

"Let's go home"

Buck didn't correct Eddie. He was too scared to. That, and he didn't feel like he needed to. Being with Christopher and Eddie was good. It felt like how Buck thought home would feel, should feel. Like how he felt with Maddie but different. 

Christopher tackled Buck with his crutches once the door was open.

"Hey buddy." Buck smiled at Christopher giggling.

"Dad said he'd ask. I missed you Buck. I've got so much stuff to show you in my room." 

Carla waved bye before telling Eddie how Christopher was today and what he'd eaten.

"This is from my history project."

"That's cool Christopher. You researched them."

"We learned how to write our sources. That's hard." Chris said.

"I'll bet. But you did your best and look at what you got as a grade."

"These are from spelling. Dad said him and mom weren't as good at spelling as I am. They were good at math." Chris handed over another paper from his desk.

Buck noticed a few had little drawings in the margins.

"Do you get bored Chris?"

"When I finish my test? Yeah. That's why I draw until everyone's done. I drew you and everyone else in this one."

Sure enough there was Buck and the rest or the crew with a tiny new member.

"Hey buddy?"

"Yeah Buck." Chris grinned.

"I'm sorry I didn't come around for a while. I was doing some dumb grown up stuff. But I should have told you so you could know. I didn't mean to be gone for so long. I love you guys," Buck said in a crouch.

"But you're back now. Dad said you couldn't come over and we couldn't go to your house but you were still there. I missed daddy too when he had work at night." Christopher said, throwing himself at Buck. 

Buck caught him on reflex in a hug. He let out an oof though. "You're getting bigger Chris."

"I've been working out with daddy and eating my vegetables. Carla said I could have a treat."

"You'll be taller than your dad in no time bud." Buck laughed and got up to help Chris get his crutches. 

He then noticed Eddie leaning in the doorway watching them. 

"So what's this about a treat for Chris getting bigger than me?" Eddie teased.

"No daddy. Buck said I would get big like you some day. And Carla said there was a surprise." 

"She was totally right. We brought you some cake buddy." Buck said.

"Is it chocolate or vanilla?"

"Is both." Buck grinned with a wink.

"Let's wash up first."

"Dad. Can we watch the sing along with Buck after?" Christopher asked.

He found a new way to watch his favorite kid movies and upon seeing it with Eddie had asked if he could do it with Buck too. 

"Sure. If Buck's up to it?" Eddie looked to Buck.

"I love singing. But I'm not very good at it."

"That's okay." "I know," both the Diaz said while going to the kitchen.

True to his word as always Buck tired Chris out after the cake by dancing around acting out the movie while singing.

Eddie cleaned up what little mess they had left and loaded the dishwasher. 

He had two very tired boys resting on the couch. 

Buck was snoring with Chris leaning on his chest. Eddie felt sadness at them having missed even a short amount of time like this. But also joy at how easily Buck meshed right back into their lives. 

Christopher loved Buck and Eddie did too. He still had more to work on both for himself, by himself but he also had stuff to work through with Buck and Eddie wasn't a quitter.

He looked at his watch.

"5 more minutes. Then I'll wake them up and get Chris in bed. You're gonna be complaining about the couch Buck." Eddie shook his head. 

"No I'm not." Buck yawned. "I'm just resting my eyes."

"Sure. Well rest your eyes some more before I put him to bed. Then we can watch a movie and talk while we drink a beer before bed." 

"I can't-"

"I got your non alcoholic. It's not cheap but you're worth it." Eddie said coming closer to see Chris smiling in his sleep.

"I've still got time to make up for." Buck frowned down at him. 

"You'll do it. I know. Let me get him to bed."

With Christopher tucked in and changed Eddie came back to Buck cracking open their beers with the TV on low with a game he recorded.

"So. I never got a chance to ask you about your thing."

Eddie could feign ignorance but he didn't. 

"It's- I'm working on it. Bobby knows. It's better if I tell you instead of him though." Eddie said, turning to face Buck on the couch.

"When you left, I was angry. At you yeah but you didn't deserve it you were right to fight to come back. I was angry at having lost Shannon only to almost lose you too. But I was also angry at myself for relying on you so much. You're a good guy Buck but, I never noticed how much you were around."

"I like being around. You and Chris mean a lot to me. I was just so focused I didn't have time to think about everything else. I guess a part of me thought you'd be okay, you didn't really need me."

"We did- we do Buck. I started street fighting because I couldn't handle the change. Everything piled up and I snapped. I did get arrested but I couldn't get you to bail me out. Then I just let it all out in the ring. I called you selfish but I was being selfish too."

"If you'd have gotten arrested again, you'd still be in jail Eddie. You'd lose your job. Chris would-" Buck stopped.

"I know. I'm glad I stopped but my emotions are still shit. Bobby wants me to continue seeing a counselor." 

Buck reached out, dropped his hand then finally touched Eddie's shoulder.

"You have to go. Try it. It could help. I've had hit and miss myself but if it even has the slightest chance or helps a little bit then it's worth it, for you and Christopher. I'm sorry I wasn't there to talk you down."

"You might not have been able to. But I know you would have tried, maybe you would have. But it's too late to know now and I'm not going back. I've got too much to lose."

"In the store before, I was trying to apologize. I had already thought about it and dropped the suit officially after. I didn't want the money, I wanted you guys and my life back. Things just took a turn and then you all had to help them so I left. I let you cool off." 

"I chewed your head off. I shouldn't have done that. If I had listened then things could be different. But like I said we can't dwell on the past, we can change things now and try to have a better future. I know i want you as a part of our future, if you still want to be." Eddie said looking away for a second.

"No. Yeah. I really want to. I said I'd have your back Eddie."

"And I agreed to have yours. So, that's what I'm gonna do." 

They settled into a comfortable silence sitting beside one another.

It wouldn't be easy but they were both fighters with something to fight for.


End file.
